Friday, July 23, 2010

Deep in the Night

There are times when all we can do is pray with everything we've got. Here is such a prayer, offered up to you from ZooZoo Girl.--af

Deep in the night is the only time I sob for I want no one to know.

I prepare for deep in the night but never on a full moon there is too much light. Deep in the night I walk around peering in windows that I will never live. Deep in the night I long for you-I check to see if your here by calling out your name.. it is silent, like deep in the night.

I am terrified for I know you run amok. My baby boy deep in the night. Evil lurks after midnight, deep in the night. I only know cuz I've been there. You lurk and do your dirt. I writhe in the middle of the floor, deep in the night.

I feel connected to you this way. I fight your demons while on my knees with a primal scream to the GODS that you make it to the light of day. Deep, deep, deep in the night we are one. I pray for your protection when deep in the night you terrorize because of your perceived rejection.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Three Variations on the Theme of "Now"

The hits keep coming from our Medea Project community. Given the assignment to write on the theme of "Now", we have three more providing insight on that theme from the positive community. 

We'll start with a thoughtful piece from Chai, who asks some important questions:

Who am I? What defines me? What am I composed of? What are the details of my character? My career is centered around public health, human rights, and social justice. I work to advocate for those living with HIV and to spread awareness for those who are not. I empower myself by performing with beautiful women who join hands to break the silence. Women living with HIV. I have found my voice with theirs. My voice has strengthened because of theirs.

I have transformed because HIV told me to.  I learned to love deeper. I know my dreams, my desires, my deceptions, my defeats. I am learning how to appreciate the cosmos, how to forgive, how to perform, and most importantly, the ritual of understanding these revelations unfold because of HIV. I  am a strong vibrant woman and that is a lot to keep up with -- this confidence and this humility because of HIV.

But who am I? Has HIV defined my life? Has it sculpted the person that I have become? If I was HIV, what would I be like? Where would I be? Who would I be dating? How fulfilled will my soul be? Would I be searching? Would I be full? Would I be empty? Would I have direction? Would I be lost? Is HIV just a mask, a veil that has smothered me? Am I letting this virus mold me or have I developed myself in the face of it?

Here's another view from Medea member Mackerel:

Today a year ago my life was turned upside down
Today a year ago I got the bad news
Today a year ago I thought I was gonna die within a few years
Today a year ago my mind went into shock
Today, I actually had alot of fun
Today I celebrated my first year anniversary
Today the world looks completely different
Today I am me again
Today I actually cried tears of laughter and not of sadness

Yes, my life has been affected by HIV and if not treated--life threatening. But I had time to get over it. My doctors have been taking fantastic care of me. I started my meds a few months ago even though I didn't need to yet, but I wanted to preserve my brains and guts. I made a lot of new friends and some of them have become really close. I have been on stage, which I never thought I would. I even had sex again -- felt like a virgin but I did it (;-). I went through ups and downs as have everyone, but overall I have to say I made it another year and it was definitely not my worst and also not my last. So people, watch out -- here I come again, better than ever.

We will conclude with Sunkist who writes:

"Hey, what do you know? What do you say?
When you walk into a room, you should be celebrated, rather than just tolerated!
Sometimes, I'm at the end of my rope and HIV is tuggin' at it.

I changed from fall to rise. I chose the greater. Think about that for a second. I had another virus hit in April 2010. T-cells dropped to 200, and changed in June back to 411. I'm back on track. In my eating habits, I'm relentless with cloves of garlic and tons of colorful veggies and fruits. Change. Believe. Follow. Change will work hard for you: in having HIV-AIDS you can change for healthier blood and life.

Thank you blood! I feel free as a bird on its wings, with gentle breeze against my back!