Friday, October 15, 2010

Am I More Than My Body?

With a special shout out to all the young women today, October 15, 2010 at the Annual Young Woman's Conference sponsored by State Senator Mark Leno. These young ladies, whose questions moved us, and for all of us who have secrets, who wonder and worry deep in the night, we bring you one of our bloggers Chai, who writes:

Am I more than my body? Deep brown eyes. Soft skin. Silky black hair. Beautiful curves. Normally I would say that I love these things about myself. That I love my body - every inch. But not today, not right now. I hate the way men have looked at me. I hate the way I have been sexualized. I hate how every man from my past wanted my body first. A fist punches my stomach to the floor every time I see all of their faces in my mind - men I trusted, men who would not talk to me in front of other people but would want me in bed, men who I dedicated myself to, men who violated me, and men on power trips. I can relive how they've touched me, the ways they grabbed me and exerted dominance. The psychological manipulation and emotional guilt that was dispensed. It makes me sick to think that this happened to me, yes, but more so that this has also happened to many of you.

What I hate more is how I did not see this before. Did I have to get infected with HIV to realize that not only was I being abused, but that I was abusing myself? I never fought back. Is it the gender confines of being raised Japanese and Indian? Is it internalized beliefs that a woman ought to be submissive? Is it because women are supposed to "swallow" the world's miseries and not complain? I have strong women in my family - however none who found strength in their sexuality. They have all been silenced. I was raised silenced. And continually reminded that it is my fault if I get pregnant and it is my mistakes that led to my HIV-positive diagnosis.

I am not a victim. I am not helpless. I know I am beautiful. I know I am strong. I know my sexuality is a powerful force. Now, I need to feel those things. My body needs and wants to heal from its abuse, it needs to feel beautiful. It needs to feel respected and able to speak out when disrespected.

I am not broken. I am not in pieces. I am finding the courage to wash my wounds and mend them.

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